Dear Dad,

I know this is something that you’ll never read and I’m okay with that. You’ve never taken interest in my life before, so what would a random post, deep down in the internet, that you will never ever come across matter? Nothing. Just like how much everything else that has to do with me matters to you.

Sometimes I have flashbacks, you know? I remember you looking down at me and my sister. Promising us that you’ll come pick us up the next day. Swearing you’d come back and see us. Calling me up on the phone when you didn’t show up and telling me that you’d be there tomorrow because you got caught up.

I wonder if you know how many hours I spent on the front porch waiting for you to show up. How many times I screamed when the sun went down and mom had to drag me inside because you weren’t gonna show up. How many of my tears rolled off my face and into the soil of the little plant that I would twist the leaves off of as I waited for you. How many games of hopscotch I played to keep myself busy.

2 years old. You left me at two years old. You looked me in my bright green eyes and promised me you’d come back and never did. You stole every single penny in you and moms account. You stole everything from her personal account. Sometimes I wonder what was running through your head when mom found out that all of her money was gone when she went to swipe her card to buy groceries and she called you. What were you thinking when your response to her hysterically crying was “I did it because I knew you wouldn’t let those little kids starve.”

Those kids? You mean me? Your own blood? Your daughter that you almost lost? The only successful kid that you and mom had together? That one? Or do you mean my sister? You know, the one who wasn’t related to you by blood but that you decided to take upon yourself to adopt her? What was the point of adopting her if you were just gonna throw both of us to the side? What was the point of having me if you were just gonna walk out of my life?

It’s funny how you can remember such small details about your life at such a young age. I still remember you sending an envelope for Kayla and I that Christmas. I was SO excited that we finally heard from you. I was so happy that you sent us something. I opened the card and you sent me into tears. How could a FATHER send his two children a $1 bill ripped in half with the note “half of this is for one, and the other have is for another. don’t spend it all in one place. -dad”? How the FUCK could you do that without hating yourself?

How could you go my whole life without paying for a single thing for me? You went years without paying child support before they finally took it out of your retirement checks. How could you hold back benefits that I could get that wouldn’t affect you in anyway? How could you keep me from little things that would do nothing but help me along the way.

Why?

I try to think of what I could’ve done wrong. I’ve spent my whole life blaming myself for you and moms separation. I’ve finally accepted that it was never me. I was 2. What could I have done wrong at 2? Nothing. It wasn’t me. It was you. You were greedy and selfish and I had nothing to do with it. I was just affected by it unfortunately. I was affected by a mean man who never cared about me.

We spoke recently. A couple of years ago. I was searching for my brother and you called me back. You sounded well. You told me that you’d always wanted to talk to me. You’d always wanted to find me. You’d always wanted to have a relationship with me. You sent your son up here to spy on us. You had him see if we were better off without you or if we were living in a dumpy little house. You never called again after that one 1 hour phone call we had. 14 years after you left and you still couldn’t step up and be a father. You still couldn’t be there for me. You were still a liar.

Just so you know, I am not 18 years old. I’m a senior in highschool and I’m graduating in 4 months. I’m working on getting my CNA and I’m already working as a caregiver. I’m planning on getting married at the end of this year. I’m also getting myself a new car in about 9 months. I’m moving out shortly after graduation. I’ve grown up to be a wonderful young adult. And you missed out on all of it. I hope you’re happy with your life, because I know that I sure as hell am happy with mine.

Doesn’t that make you jump with joy, dad? Aren’t you proud of me and how far I’ve come? I did it. I made something of myself. I became everything you said I never would be.

I just wrote this to say thank you. Thank you for showing me what a parent is NOT. Thank you for showing me what NOT to look for in a man. Thank you for showing me that I can live without you and still be okay.

Love always,
K
(Your youngest, strongest, and most successful daughter)