Wow. To say that my life has turned a complete 360 since I’ve last made an appearance here would be an understatement. I feel like I’ve been in a never-ending tornado that just keeps spinning me more and more in violent circles and I’m just kinda going with the motions. My boyfriend of a year is now no longer apart of my life, when a year ago he was my whole world. We don’t speak. We see each other in passing through comments on Facebook and don’t acknowledge each others existence. It’s like we never existed in each others worlds.

Currently, I am living with my “new” boyfriend with two of his friends in a little townhouse down the road from where I grew up. I’ve moved 4 times since I’ve moved out of my parents house, have been through 8 cars, and completely cut off all ties with my family. It’s sad, you know? Feeling like the people who are supposed to be there for you no matter what are ready to just cut you loose and never look back once you’re and “adult” and on your own. My boyfriends grandparents treat me more like family than my own family ever has.

Things have been rough lately. With me. With me and Devon. With life. I currently no longer have a vehicle. A friend of my totaled it and I there has been no action on his part to replace it as of yet. I am also out of a job. For the first time since 2013, I am not working. It’s a strange feeling, I’ll give you that. But aside from strange, it’s stressful. Not knowing if I’ll be able to make rent, wondering when my phone is gonna be cut off because I didn’t have any money to put towards the phone bill, being almost impossible to pass a drug test because I starting smoking weed again because my stress levels are so high it’s sent me to the emergency room a multitude of times.

I feel like every person in my life either gets tired of me or gets tired of dealing with me. That’s my problem right now. I also have a bad habit of overthinking things and ruining them by that alone. I’m trying to hold on, but I feel like everyone else is ready to let go.

I don’t know where I’ll be the next time I write. Hopefully in a place where I no longer have to feel anything at all, or where I am perpetually content with the way things are going. Because if it’s anything like they are now, I can’t take much more.

 

 

I just need someone I can count on to talk to that wont judge me when I cry out for help and that wont think I’m stupid just because I’m confused.